Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
IN OTHER NEWS did you guys see Orlando Bloom's penis today? I did
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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