i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
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