1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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