My hand turned me down
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
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