My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
going to the gym drunk. fuck whoever made basketball season and getting a spring break ready body in the same season.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Got so high i fell asleep kyaking...for 2 hours.
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
