i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
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