I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
