We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Some girl just ordered Chinese delivery to her therapy appointment...
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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