I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize