I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
Randomize
