the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
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