i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
