Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Randomize
