they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
