Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
