shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Randomize
