The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
