I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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