The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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