i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I got a chicken sandwich and a frosty out of her. Better then having sex
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
