Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize