He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Now I can't unsee my hot boss's under-boobs. Monday will be awkward.
Pics or STFU
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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