Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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