3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
don't judge my taste in strippers
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Randomize