her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize
