i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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