If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
There is a guy here calling himself the pants less weed fairy
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
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