THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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