Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
