I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
