I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
What are you talking about? And how drunk are you?
Both
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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