if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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