At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
