I'm sorry my penis didn't work
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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