I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
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