Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
Randomize
