I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
