Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
