i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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