just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Can you bring me the toilet please
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