I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I have really important information for you regarding the furry convention this weekend
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
