he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Try not to get arrested for it, but otherwise i support you
He's CUTE. and foreign
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
We have so much sex to catch up on
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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