Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Randomize
