girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
