2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I met the friendliest cop last night
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
