Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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