U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
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