Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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