I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
