Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
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