omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
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