If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So I woke up really sad and then I looked in the cabinet and there was weed and now I'm not sad anymore
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Randomize
