No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
Randomize
