i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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