I puked a lego.
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
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