He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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